I Should Never Have Taken My Boyfriend Grocery Shopping!
by Slaycinder
Summary: Bread, milk and eggs. They could have been in and out in under fifteen minutes. But noooo, Sora had to needlessly complicate things by inviting the other two; and then Axel had to swoop in with the assist by making stupid suggestions like this. "We are not having a shopping cart race!" OneShot. AkuRoku/SoRiku. Rated T for language & reckless teenage stupidity.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Which means I don't own Axel…Lea…WHATEVER HIS NAME IS NOW. Which means my life is empty. ;_;**

**A/N: Rowdy, ridiculous teenagers time? Rowdy, ridiculous teenagers time. Rated T for language, yaoi, reckless dumbassery, and this story's fluffy, fluffy tail.**

_**Bon à lire!**_

**-Slay**

* * *

_I Should Never Have Taken My Boyfriend Grocery Shopping!_

* * *

"_No, _guys."

"Oh, c'mon, Roxas! Don't be such a wet blanket!"

The four of them were standing in the entryway to the supermarket, next to the cart drop-off and a magazine stand. Now, Roxas had nothing against grocery shopping—it was just a simple, weekly task that their mom sometimes charged them with. But why did Axel and Riku have to come? It did _not _take _four people _to fulfill a three-item grocery list. Bread, milk and eggs. They could have been in and out in under fifteen minutes. But _noooo, Sora_ had to needlessly complicate things by inviting the other two; and then Axel had to swoop in with the assist by making stupid suggestions like this.

"We are _not _having a _shopping cart race," _Roxas snapped. "Think of all the trouble we'd get in!"

The redhead snorted. "_What _trouble?" He swept his arm across the store. "There is _nobody here, _Roxas."

Roxas humored him with a cursory look around. It was true; Moogle Mart was completely empty. But running innocent people over with shopping carts wasn't his only concern. "Yeah, except the _manager," _he quipped. "What if we go knocking stuff over? What if we _break _something?"

"But doesn't your older brother work here? He can get us off the hook!"

"_Yeah, _or we could _get him fired!"_

"_Please, _Roxas? We'll be _really _careful!" Sora whined, hanging on Riku like a small child.

Roxas sized his brother up derogatively. "How _old _are you?"

"…Seventeen…"

"And do seventeen-year-olds do stupid shit like _this?"_

"YEP!" The shout behind Roxas startled him, and without warning, Axel pulled up a cart, hauled Roxas off his feet, and spiked him into the cart like a football. With his feet hanging unceremoniously over the side, Roxas struggled to get out, but was thrown back into the basket when the cart lurched forward. "What the—_Axel!"_

"We're doing this!" Axel declared, acid eyes shining.

"No, wait—WAIT!" Roxas flailed in the basket, trying to escape. He caught sight of the silverette and reached for him—surely _Riku_ wouldn't let them do something this reckless?

"RIKU! HELP!"

To his dismay, the older boy shook his head and shrugged. "I think it sounds like fun," he admitted.

"_What? _NO! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!" But it was too late; Riku had pulled up a second cart and was helping a very excited Sora climb into the basket. Once situated, the brunette threw a fist forward and shouted, "ONWARD!"

"First team to make it to the check-out with something from _every aisle_ wins!" Axel cried, and with a mighty shove he launched the shopping cart forward, hopping onto the lower rack as they picked up speed, hurtling toward the produce section. Roxas clung to the metal basket for dear life. "_This is a really bad idea!"_

From behind them Riku called, "What're the stakes?"

"Loser's gotta pay for everything in his cart!"

Roxas choked on his own spit. "_WHAT?"_

"Deal!"

And with that the four of them were off, peeling wildly from aisle to aisle, raking the stands for every type of item they could find. Seconds after the race started, Sora and Riku disappeared, evidently taking an alternate route in the hopes of improving their chances. Meanwhile, Axel wheeled them around the store like a bat out of hell, dumping item after item into Roxas' lap—asparagus, a banana bushel, a block of cheese, a package of chopped beef, a two-liter soda... "OW! Dammit, Axel!"

"Hey, _I'm _the one doin' all the _work _here, princess! Why don't you help a guy out and start grabbing stuff?"

"No!"

"_Roxy_, we're never gonna _win_ if you just sit there like dead weight," the redhead huffed, rounding a corner so hard that it nearly flung Roxas from the cart.

"AGH! Dammit! I don't _wanna _win! I just wanna get the shit we _came for_ and _leave!"_

"Sorry, Rox, but _that_ ship's _sailed."_ Axel lobbed a jar of tomato sauce into the cart, barely missing a precious spot between the blonde's legs. "AXEL!"

"Calm your tits, woman!"

"I will NOT calm my tits!" Roxas shouted. "Stop the cart! _NOW!" _He craned around and saw the redhead shake his head, propelling the cart forward and hopping on the rack again. Axel took the opportunity to lean forward and nip at the blonde's ear. "No can do, babe."

Roxas whipped back around, blushing furiously. He growled under his breath, resigned. "Just promise you won't get me killed, fire-crotch."

"That, I can do," Axel laughed. "Now let's win this thing! 'cause I dunno about you, but _I _certainly have no use for…" He whipped something random off the next set of shelves. "Canned bread." He tossed it in the basket and Roxas rolled his eyes. "Just push the cart."

-o-o-o-

"WHOOO! I think we're actually gonna win, Riku!"

The silverette smiled at Sora's enthusiasm. They had just come barreling out of the pet care aisle having claimed a bag of cat food. Sora was up to his waist in miscellaneous crap, from boxes of popcorn to bath poufs and pine-scented air freshener, and was now sporting a metal strainer on his head and brandishing a toilet scrubber like it was a magnificent sword.

"Don't get _too _excited," Riku warned, though the grin was permanently planted on his face from the brunette's childish charm. "We're coming up on the freezer aisles. Those aren't gonna be easy."

Sora spun toward him as they lunged around a corner, smiling broadly, the strainer swirling lopsidedly on his head. "We can do it, Ri. I know we can!"

Riku chuckled. "You bet! There is _no way _I'm buying all this junk."

"So how're we gonna do this?" Sora asked, flipping his toilet-brush-scepter playfully as they launched down the first freezer aisle.

"Do you trust me?"

The brunette tossed him a curious look. "Of course I do, Riku."

"Good. Sit tight." With one last push, Riku released the cart, letting it rumble down the aisle unattended while he sped past, wrenching open a random freezer and snatching the first box he saw—some kind of TV dinner. Just as a wide-eyed Sora came hurtling toward him, Riku dove around the front, flung the box into Sora's lap and leapt onto the back of the cart, shoving off with his foot at the last second and wheeling them cleanly around the next corner, narrowly avoiding a tall DVD display.

Sora let out a breathless laugh, gripping the sides of the cart. "That was _awesome, _Riku!"

"I'm glad you think so," Riku beamed. " 'cause we're doing it again."

-o-o-o-

The race was waning rapidly as the four teenagers began running out of Moogle Mart, their carts packed with miscellany. Axel and Roxas had been tripped up by their much less seamless freezer-method of stopping for every item, but the gap was tempered by Sora really, _really, _REALLY having to pee. So now the two teams were neck-in-neck, shredding along the back wall for things like margarine and yogurt.

"Better get your wallets out," Axel jeered. "We got this in the bag!"

"In your dreams!" Riku laughed while Sora stuck his tongue out at the other two, flapping his hands over his head mockingly.

"Real mature, Sora!" Roxas couldn't help but smile as he hurled a loaf of bread at his twin, hitting him square in the face. The brunette stared back at him in awe, then grinned deviously and chucked a box of cocoa mix across the way, nailing Roxas upside his head. "Oh, it's _on!" _From there they started catapulting their ill-gotten goods mercilessly between the two carts, talking smack and dodging heavier ammo like cans and packaged meat. Even Axel and Riku got caught in the cross-fire, and as they careened forward, none of the boys noticed the renovation site they were plummeting toward.

It wasn't until they were past the point of no return that Roxas looked up and saw the danger, letting out a distressed cry as the two carts rammed through the sectioning tarps and collided with the renovation scaffolding. The twins were dumped haphazardly from the carts, along with an avalanche of shopping goods—Riku got winded by his push bar and collapsed backwards while Axel tumbled inelegantly over his, falling face-first into the cart basket with a strangled yell.

Roxas rolled over and rubbed the top of his head—he'd really reamed it hard on something. He wanted to call out to see if everyone was alright, but the disaster wasn't over. Apparently the _something _he'd hit is head on was one of the main supports, which had been successfully snapped on impact. The entire lattice of scaffolding tilted perilously to one side, and then to the other, eventually crashing through the tarps, barely avoiding the boys on its way down. But it still wasn't over; Roxas watched in horror as the renovation scaffolding smashed against one of the standing aisle shelves—_knocking it over. _One by one the aisles fell, a great domino-trail of calamity and destruction, until the Moogle Mart was filled with nothing but a massive heap of food-strewn detritus.

A great cloud of dust swarmed the building. As it cleared, Roxas spotted something that made his heart sink.

Several feet away from the crash site stood a blonde-haired employee, his hand still held aloft with the intention of placing a can on a shelf which was no longer there. He turned his head very slowly, face frozen in astonishment, and fixed a pair of startled blue eyes on the troublemakers.

Roxas smiled timorously and gave his older brother a small wave. "Heh-heh…Hi, Cloud…"

Cloud said nothing—just stared.

"Ho-Holy _shit!" _Axel was right-side-up again, leaning on one of the carts and rasping in an attempt to laugh. "Talk about _clean up on aisle six!_"

Sora had extricated himself from the debris and was crawling over to where Riku lay on his back, clutching his chest. "Are you okay, Ri?"

"_Never better," _the silverette wheezed, sitting up and letting Sora brush the bangs out of his face worriedly.

Cloud was still gawking at them in disbelief, and all five of them jumped when a voice boomed from the side of the store. "WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON OUT—here…?" A tall, toe-headed man with sharp features came striding out—Mr. Wise, the manager. He halted when he saw the extensive damage. Mouth agape, he spotted the teenagers at the back, his shock hardening into anger, face reddening.

"CHEESE IT!" Axel screamed, and the four of them stumbled over themselves clamoring toward the nearest exit, which they didn't realize was a fire exit; an alarm wailed on their way out, and the ceiling opened up a shower of sprinklers as they high-tailed it down the street. Mr. Wise was about to take off after them, but was stopped by the sight of someone rummaging through the wreckage. He squinted—some guy in black was stuffing soaked bags of pretzels into his clothes.

"HEY!"

The man started, then took off in the same direction as the boys, holding the awkward bulge of pilfered pretzels in his clothes. "FOR KINGDOM HEARTS!"

Mr. Wise dashed after him, crying out things like _thief _and _stop him! _Meanwhile, Cloud just stood under the fire sprinklers, still holding the can, completely stunned.

-o-o-o-

"WE ARE SO DEAD!" Roxas gasped as they ran full-tilt away from the Moogle Mart.

Axel was howling with laughter, and when the gang finally stopped at a playground to catch their breath, he dropped down on the metal carousel. "Man, that was AWESOME!"

"Cloud's gonna kill us…"

Sora and Riku had fallen down in the grass and were leaning back to back, chests heaving from the run. "Chill, Roxas. We'll make sure Mr. Wise doesn't blame him for it," Sora assured him.

"Fine then. _Mr. Wise _is gonna kill us." Roxas leaned one hand on the carousel and ran the other through his hair. "_Uuugh_ all that _damage! _We'll probably have to work to pay it off—what if he has us arrested for vandalism? Or-or reckless endangerment, or—" He was stopped by a hand on his head. He looked up to see a surprisingly warm smile on Axel's face.

"Will you please _relax? _Wise was clear across the store. He may not have even recognized us." He saw the retort building in Roxas' face and shook his head

Before the blonde could speak, his twin interrupted from the grass. "And even if we _do _get caught, Rox," Sora shrugged. "At least we've got each other, right?" He laced his fingers with Riku's and smiled for emphasis.

"…I—oh!" Roxas was tugged down into Axel's lap, the redhead's lips ghosting affectionately past his ear. "Don't worry," he purred, "I won't let the _big bad store manager _hurt my Foxy Roxy."

Roxas rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets stubbornly. Something crinkled against his fingers; he pulled the unattended grocery list out and sighed.

"I am _never _going shopping with you guys _again._"

* * *

**A/N: *sigh* I can't take you people anywhere, can I? Ah, well. Boys will be boys, right? **

**If you don't get the pretzel-thief reference, go read **_**Match Maker. **_**That should clear it up. xD**

**Review for a chakram cookie~**

**Flame for a chakram to the face!**

**Until next time!**

**-Slay**


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